10 of my Favorite things for mothering my Autistic daughter!!

Bismillah.


Yep. I love a child with Autism and she is my baby girl. My hindoya, peaches, lamb chop and lovey bear. Now that winter vacation is over, I thought it would be great to share with everyone how I survived almost three weeks of mostly staying in the house (Polar vortex, snow storms, low gas money - the usuals) with my sweet, busy body, mood swinging, moderately verbal, Epileptic, Autistic seven year old middle child (mashallah) without any breaks.

Alhamduleelah, in the last seven and half years, I have learned a piece of my daughter's puzzle. I know her triggers and generally, I wake each day with a plan on how to interact with her and my two other children as well. Many Autists do well with tight schedules and visual cues to help with their transitions. Some Autists who are higher functioning may not require them. However, the bottom line is that our special children are indeed human and humans vary in their needs, emotions, and their likes. As the parent over my special child, I have found it really important to stay a couple of steps ahead of her to ward off serious meltdowns and aggressive behaviors.

Part of that preparation includes 10 of the following items that made our time together good, at times fun, and most importantly quality moments, enshallah, in her childhood!


#10 Snack cups

I love the snack cups for Hindoya (and Bin, 19 months)
because they are really durable and small enough to stack in the fridge.
Hindoya usually stays up after Fajr and an hour later she is hungry. With the snack cups, I can fill them up with the right portions of quick and healthy snacks the night before.  I just  grab  them at Fajr and put them on the table for her and lay back down to sleep for another 30 minutes or so. She often takes the top off completely, but my toddler keeps them on.

#9 Nutribullet!

I don't know how I survived previously without my Nutribullet? I've had it for a year and it has been a great investment, Alhamduleelah. Breakfast in a cup? Sure, why not. Lunch in a cup? You betcha! Here's why it makes the list for raising my Autist: loads of essential vitamins and minerals in an appetizing taste! She loves her smoothies  (as do my two other children, even though the pre-teen balks at the sight of the beets and kale going in the machine). Mashallah, I bear witness to the fact that the extra, whole nutrients have had a positive effect on her totally, Alhamduleelah. Her skins is clearer, teeth look great, hair is growing like weeds and mashallah, I truly think it helps her behavior - plus it's really quick and clean up very minimal.

# 8 Giant coloring books

Hindoya is very artistic, mashallah. She loves coloring, writing, and painting. She has colored on the wall a few times with her crayons in her room and even though I know the conversation went over her head some, I still sat with her and explained plainly as I could that she was not allowed to color, write or paint on our walls. She may not have gotten it, but she did get that Mama made her use the Magic eraser and scrub the spots she colored on til they were all gone. Alhamduleelah, so when I saw these giant coloring books at WALMART, I stocked up for her. Because the coloring books' graphics are so large, they are much more visually appealing to her senses. I keep one in my van, in her travel bag for when she goes to her grandparents' house during the week when I am  at work, and I keep one in the living room in a bucket that she has access too. The crayons and markets are kept separately and safely out of her reach.

#7 Crayola Mess Free Markers and other supplies

Crayola gets it! Alhamduleelah, I was so pleased to come across this line of products that  unlocks all of that wonderful artistic exploration in children and is also Autistic friendly as well. No more regular crayons and markers that can end up scribbled on the floor, chairs, or walls. These really awesome Crayola products only work with the special coloring pages in the line. Hindoya colors on and off through out the day and I really feel like it is helping to build her attention span, enshallah.

# 6 Textured Balls

With the snow and then the extreme cold weather, we didn't really get a chance to get out much during winter vacation. But, I know Hindoya needs to burn energy through out the day or else eventually she will get frustrated and have some type of outburst. For physical activity every day we made our own ball pit (sorta) with just a couple of different textured balls put in my son's playpen. My 19 month old and Hindoya both enjoyed kicking, throwing, and running after all the balls all over our apartment. The different textured balls are great for sensory play because of the contrast in the way they feel. So we were able to get two lessons out of this play time.

#5 Story Time w/ the Ipod Touch

I am a author and I have lots of stories in my files. Most will never be published. So what do I do with them? I record them and load them to the Ipod of course! Story time is really big in our house. We do full productions with dress up and acts 1, 2, and 3! But some time, I don't have time for all of that.  I might be preoccupied and so the ipod is great. It can store tons of my stories and other story apps that will read aloud to the Hindoya and Bin. Grab another snack cup and turn on a story and my little ones are happy campers for at least 15 minutes. That's enough time to shower, comb my hair, and get dressed! (I'm super and I know it! j/k)

# 4 Jump Rope

Adhd, Add, busy bodies - meet my little friend: The Jump Rope! When Hindoya gets antsy, arguing/fighting with the baby brother or big sister , (especially because we were STUCK in the house for so long), a quick and fun physical activity cools her out. Jump ropes are inexpensive, but Hindoya's has a pretty pink one! She loves to jump in place and I used to just have her do that. But I added the jump rope to work on her coordination. It's hard work to move your feet and arms at the same time for many children with special needs and low muscle tone, its like being in boot camp. Any time Hindoya can actually get the rope over head and her feet up off the ground, she is delighted. I usually have her big sister count her tries as she jumps. And we all cheer her on, too! Most times she just falls down to the ground in laughter. Problems solved and long forgotten for the time being!

#3 Netflix

 Years ago when I had my first child, I invested in a lot educational dvds: My Baby Can Read, Baby Einstein, Signing Times and several PBS cartoons. I could pop the dvd into my laptop and play them because I didn't have a TV back then. Then I learned that carrying around hundreds of dvds wasn't practical, especially if you move around a lot like we do. So then we got a Netflix subscription around 2010 and I discovered many of the children programs that I had in dvd format were available in their online catalog! That was a great day. I listed all of my dvds on EBAY and haven't bought any new ones since. While some Muslim parents may shun  TV programming,  if you have a child with special needs, you just may need to reevaluate their needs versus your own! Many Autists are visual and auditory learners. Seeing and hearing highly graphic characters sing about numbers, phonics, and good types of behaviors builds connections in their brains and helps them to remember the information better.

#2 Time Outs

When I have used all of my tricks from the bag and she still has an outburst, tantrum, or meltdown - its time to deescalate. I try to keep all communication to a minimum and clearly and quickly explain that she is in time out because of her behavior.  Most of the times I remove her from the area that she is in because seeing the other two kids can trigger more negative behavior or even aggressive behavior, if she is really angry. Sometimes she bears her weight and refuses to leave, kicks and cries, and hits. When that happens, I simply pick her up and physically remove her from the area and take her to a quiet area. I give her a pillow, a time out bottle so that she visually can see her "time" and some times I turn off the light and leave her alone. If she comes out too soon, (and does often), I just redirect her back to her room without much convo. She may cry or continue to whine in her room, but Alhamduleelah, she stops quickly. Often times, she will even fall asleep on her pillow after a major meltdown. Which is fine. Often she doesn't have the ability to express higher emotional feelings like being over stimulated or angry. Time outs gives her a safe place to work through those feelings with comfort and visual cues to when it will be over.  You can make your own pillow pet and time out bottles, too!

#1 Nabi Tablet Systems

I love the Nabi tablet because it is really sturdy and durable. It's not super fast, but it gets the job done. It came preloaded with tons of apps that Hindoya could actually play and learn from and like with any tablet, you download additional apps. We can also access the internet and lock her into her playlists on Youtube that I have personally set up for her learning. She also can play the Qur'an from the tablet while she colors or snacks. She can also practice writing the alphabets, listen to stories, look at animals and hear the sounds they make, sing along and dance to the Laurie Berkner band, and Skype with family (while I cook dinner)! The tablet is a filler, but it is a great treat that helps support many areas of learning. The Nabi systems were great investments and gave us some fun during our winter vacation (in the house)!

What's your favorite list of things to have for your special needs child?

Moving Past Adversities #5: Muslim Girls - The whole world doesn't understand you!

 Bismillah.


Gifted 

There's so many things great about you, my little sisters in Islam. You are full of strength, courage, wit, style and most importantly a faith that was chosen for you, crowned upon you out of the ranks of billions of girls granted the gift of life. There is no doubt in my mind that Muslim girls (and boys) are indeed a special group of people. You have inherited this deen from birth and it is an additional ni'mah (blessing) that is not given to everyone.

Why Can't It All be Simple? 

 I know you are well aware that every blessing comes with responsibilities. Those responsibilities can be  hard to carry at times especially when you are not always respected in the world.  Often times, even in your own home you may feel a lack of acceptance. You may feel overly awkward or seldom pretty. In many communities and families there may even exist imbalanced gender opportunities and encouragement. You may feel lost due to a lack of community, a lack unity, a lack of socialization and a lack of halal fun! You are constantly bombarded with "don't even think about its"," you shouldn't even try its", and what "Muslim girls should dos"! The fact of the matter is that most days it may feel like the whole world doesn't understand you and all of the hardships you are facing isn't worth it.


But it is worth it. You are worth fighting for. You are worth waiting for. You are worth the struggle. So fight!

Truly the reward of the Hereafter will be greater if they only realize (this)! (They are) those who persevere in patience and put their trust on their Lord. (16:41-42)

Can You Hear Me Now?

I can tell you from personal experience that there might not be a whole lot of people in your world who understands exactly what you are facing in terms of isolation, frustration, aggravation, and desires. Some of your own parents may not even fully understand it.

 If your parents are reverts to Islam, they don't possess the knowledge to know what it is really like to grow up in Islam in a non Muslim society. Do you want to blame them for that? It's certainly easy to feel that way. Almost like they purposely decided to make your life harder then their own lives. But that would be too simplistic and too evil to put on your parents' shoulders. Despite all of the things that irks your last nerves about your parents, please know that they truly felt Islam was a gift to them and that they cherished it so much, they gifted it to you as well. The good news is that do have information and wisdom that can be useful to you. The news flash is that they have first hand experience about life outside of Islam that you just don't have knowledge about. Take time to really open your ears and listen and learn from them what you can to help not only shield you from their mistakes, but also take from their stories lessons that will help build you up!

Then there are those of you Muslim girls who are lucky enough to have Muslim parents who were born and raised Muslim in a non Muslim country. Now depending on their age, their experiences might also be a little out of touch with current events in the teen world. They didn't have cell phones, email, Twitter - heck, some of your parents didn't even have the internet! But that doesn't totally wipe out the struggles that they did encounter while growing up Muslim. No one's life is going to be an exact clone of yours. But we can learn from different narratives, perspectives, and adversities that people go through. The experience of being the only Muslim at school, not being able to wear the latest fashions, talk on the phone with the opposite sex, hang out with friends at night, or go to the school dance are universal. We lived through and learned from it some jewels. The pictures might not look the same, but the emotions were real. Open your heart and try to put yourself in your parents shoes. Twenty, thirty, or forty years ago Islam and Muslims were a lot less known about. Could you have walked in their shoes as modern Muslim pioneers? It would have been hard. Just like it would be hard for them to live in your life today. Build on the commonalities that you have and be open to accept support, guidance, and love through your adversities.

Pause for the Cause: Often times during the teen years, shaytan tricks us into putting on those fancy, designer "knowitall" coats! It's hard to hear and see love, wisdom, and support if you think you know for sure every single way that those things are expressed. That's a dangerous attitude to wear and carry around on your back.  Check yourself if you only find value you in the lives of the rich and famous or your friends, but can't appreciate the jewels from elders and your own family members. That's not being hip, cool, trendy or smart. That's called being shallow. Be bigger than that and love more!


Allah Wants Good For You

There are so many vices that you will contend with in life and not all of them will be directly connected to your "Muslim Girl-ness". However, the fact remains that these trials will bother you, they will cause hurt and may be even pain. The fact also remains that you can get through it and you can triumph in this world despite it all with your trust firmly placed in Allah.

Learn to trust and rely on Allah in good times and more importantly, during your difficult times as well. Always remember that no one wants good for you more than Allah. He gave you life, he gave you family, friends, food, and shelter. The trials are not meant to stop you or to tear you apart! When you have Tawakkul (trust and reliance on Allah), difficulties help you to remember Allah, praise Allah, seek the help of Allah and to ask from Allah what it is you need.

What do you need? Where do you want to be? What places do you want to go and visit? Tell Allah and have Tawakkul with certainty that He (and only He) can make it happen for you.

“Say, “Never will we be struck except by what Allah has decreed for us; He is our protector.” And upon Allah let the believers rely” (9:51).

Narrated Abu Huraira (Radi Allah Anhu): Allah's Apostle (sal-allahu- alleihi-wasallam ) said, "If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials. (Sahih Bukhari)

“And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him” (65:3). 

The Messenger of Allah (s) said: “If you trust Allah with the right kind of tawakkul, He will provide you sustenance as He provides for the birds – they go out in the morning with empty stomachs and come back in the evening with full stomachs” (Tirmidhi).

Now, that your head is clear with positive thoughts, let's move pass the adversity and work (that's a verb) towards creative, positive actions. 

Visualize & Actualize

 There will always be people, ideas, and problems existing in your world with negative motives. Make sure you are not one of them, fueling the negativity that leads to your own demise. Moving past adversities means you reconcile your issues (as best as possible) and replace it with more positive, energizing, and fulfilling alternatives.  Let's take a look at some simple common sense steps:

#1 Visualize the things you want.

Dedicate time within your week to simply focus on you and all of the positivity that you possess and inhale in those blessings from Allah. You are special because Allah has given you unique qualities that He has not given to anyone else. You excel at many things. Don't worry how small or insignificant that those things may seem to be. They are yours, so embrace them.

Now, visualize the qualities and goals that you desire to possess. Do you want to be more outgoing, more kind and loving, less shy, more tolerant, have more patience, learn to sew, write better, have lots of good friends, eat better and exercise, go to college and get a fabulous career? May be you would like to travel the world blogging about eating different kinds of foods? Whatever it is that you want, close your eyes and take time to day dream and visualize it in your world.

If you can not see yourself doing something, no one else will.

#2 Make a list

It's good to write things down and make a list. There's something about seeing your goals on paper that makes us feel accountable to ourselves. It's like a contract with ourselves. So my advice is write down a couple of your visualizations and describe the key factors that will prevent you from achieving that goal and what are some of the key factors that will help you accomplish it. Date it, sign it and hang it up in your room on the wall, or in a closet, or copy it to your computer. Just make sure you place it some where you can see it and be reminded of it.

If you want to get a little fancier, create a vision board! Use construction paper, a poster board, cut out pictures from magazine or print out images from the internet, crayons, markers, and glue to create a really awesome vision board that expresses your creativity and visions. I love making vision boards with my because I think it is a great way to "see" your visualizations, hopes, and aspirations in color and feel a bit of the happiness that the things that you are aspiring for can bring into your life.

#3 Actualize your visions, bi'ithnillah

Here is where we take that verb "action" and put it to work! What ever qualities that you visualized possessing, use them! Consciously make effort to be better, in every way. Love more, share more, try new ways to social with other Muslim girls in your community. Be friendly and helpful. Give more to others and others will remember your kindness and support and that same blessing Allah will put back in your own life.


And sooner or later, enshallah, you will start to realize that it's not important if the world understands you - it is much more important that
you understand you and that your purpose in this life is to worship Allah and rely on Him and that through visualization and actualization you can be successful in whatever you put your mind to.

Put your trust in Allah. Allah loves those that trust [in Him].

[Surah al-Imran 3: 159]

Reflections #1: Thanks and Giving

{Thus do We provide ayah (sign) for people who reflect}

 (Yunus 10: 24)

  There are are days, weeks, even months where things just don't mesh up they way we expect them too. 

And we, as women, hurt in ways that are not always dramatic or even visual. We hurt in silence, with smiles, while we are cooking dinner, ironing our husband clothes, bathing our children and driving on the way to and from the grocery store. Despite the aches from our souls and minds, we push forward.

There are times where I didn't even know I was hurt, until it had subsided months later and I had the space, security, and increased faith to reflect back on the event and claim it for what it was.

And this is a continual process. We struggle and get hurt. We hurt others and they struggle with us in return. The deal is how much reflection, growth, or even a simple acknowledgement do we even give to it? For most of us, not much. We just get pulled into the next stage of life and keep on moving, hoping we don't have to revisit those emotions ever again. And we certainly don't try to discuss it with anyone or share are experiences with other folks that we know are having similar experiences. To the cleaning, the basement, the shopping, the husband (first, second,third, fourth, etc), the job, or the kids we go. 

And we, as women, hurt in ways that are not always dramatic or even visual. We hurt in silence, with smiles, while we are cooking dinner, bathing our children and driving on the way to and from the grocery store. Despite the aches from our souls and minds, we push forward.

 Is it possible to become immune to  hurt? I've heard women claim that it is. But then I always wonder what they must lose from their own self in order not feel something any more? I don't choose to give up feeling. The good feelings and the bad feelings have purpose in our lives, in our praise and in our beseeching for help to the Most Merciful.  My story of hurt goes something like this:

Novembers are hard
for me. 

For years, it would just creep up on me and I would become undone.  I suffered in silenced, behaved emotionally immature  because I wasn't ready to reflect. I wasn't open to the idea of growth, of thanks, of giving what I had went through, or what I had learned. I was willingly carrying around the hurt. I had to let it go. 

My oldest sister was born in November and she died shortly after her 26th birthday. She, my sister, Sabura Faatimah, was and will always be the best friend Allah has ever blessed me with. She loved November hardcore. From Nov 1 to 31, she would just go all out. It was her month. It was fun and she was fun, always in the moment, and thankful for herself, mashallah. But she was also the older sister who gave, watched, and pushed me.  She cared for me like I was her child, though we were only 4 years apart. So much laughter, so many stories, so many trials, so many heartaches, but we were always together. Until we were not. 

Most of it is still a blur, but I remember Ummi calling me on the phone and asking me if I wanted to help wash her body. Was I up to it? Could I follow the rules? Would I be able to sleep the rest of the week......silence, I just let the phone drop to the ground. Ummi eventually hung up. Most of it is still a blur, but the reality was and still is, that her death was just, merciful and most importantly it was part of Allah's decree. 


I was willingly carrying around the hurt. I had to let it go. My sister, my best friend, my first companion --- would not be with me any more in this life because her life had ended so very early.

And when I washed her body and wrapped her, neatly and beautifully, to send her back to her and my own Lord,  time  accelerated. She was buried and cars drove off. We drove off.  No tears, no screams, just  promises in her ears that I am hopeful my Lord allowed her to hear. 

And we, as women, hurt in ways that are not always dramatic or even visual. We hurt in silence, with smiles, while we are cooking dinner, bathing our children and driving on the way to and from the grocery store. Despite the aches from our souls and minds, we push forward.

So hold that which I have given you and be of the grateful. (Qur'an 7: 144)

I am still working on those promises I gave my sister, but some of them Allah has allowed me to fulfill. And I am still working on letting go of the hurt. But being thankful and giving of myself is something that I know without a doubt is required from me everyday because of my sister. I was given someone special and everyday I am thankful that Allah allowed and  desired me to have that experience of love, of sisterhood, of companionship, of encouragement in this life. 

And I share this all with you to remind myself and anyone dealing with grief and sadness, that it is important and necessary to reflect on our trials and our heart's scars. But it is even more important to be thankful for what Allah has given us and to give whatever you can of yourself in honor of Allah's continued bounty and mercy on you. 

Common Sense Tips:


#1 Talk with others dealing with grief and sadness and remember Allah's favor upon you

#2 Busy yourself with projects that will help some other than yourself and family

#3 Keep a journal and write about good memories, funny stories of loved ones that will help you to remember how merciful Allah was to brighten your life with someone so special

#Don't fight or shrug off your feelings of sadness. But do increase your prayers, supplications, and charity. Reflect, write, and give thanks to Allah. 


We  are living life.....and through faith, prayer and help, enshallah, you and us will be okay!

Moving Past Adversities: #4 It's a thin line between and hate (Good days & Bad Days)

We're human. Some weeks are good and the some weeks, not so good (some times we even have bad, angry, hateful weeks). I have to remind myself constantly this is normal and part of the design of Allah for all mankind because it is He that decreed for us all to have emotions (yep, even men too). Problem is that lately, a weird trajectory among Muslim women has been promoted to "ice out" and kill off emotions. It's like we no longer even feel the need to listen to our fellow family or friends' issues. We just block out any emotionally heavy discussions in an attempt to stay away from taxing our brains. I think part of the reasons that we as sisters have become so aloof to others is because we are dealing (often alone as well) with our own layers of issues...

The Messenger of Allah (saw) also said, "The believers, in their love, mutual kindness, and close ties, are like one body; when any part complains, the whole body responds to it with wakefulness and fever." [Muslim]

Breaking the norm with my real issues: This is the end of very blessed, busy, silly, angry week and I'm grateful for all it. I was able to accomplish a couple of things on my to-do lists like finally sorting, washing, packing up and taking the kids old clothes and shoes over to the Goodwill and Savers, going to the library, and finally creating an outline for my new curriculum. But fasting the day Ashura with my daughter was the highlight of the week, Alhamduleelah. I also dealt with some challenges as well. My 1 year old son regressing in the weaning process, my youngest daughter ran out of her vitamins and behaved extremely difficult with everyone all week, and my oldest daughter is in the midst of full blown puberty and has an excuse for every single thing she does or does not do... the good first.

On yaumul ashura I got up and went for a walk in the cold morning air and that really helped me find some balance. The down side was that because I was fasting my energy level was shot for the remainder of the day. My poor daughter Juwayriyah was touched by the sleepies. She couldn't keep her eyes open to do her school work and her poor belly kept growling. With a lot of redirection, encouragement, and dua  - she finished the day. I was proud of her.

I'm really mad that some of you with adult daughters didn't warn earlier. Those pre-teen hormones are such a bummer. They have zapped out just about all of the sweetness, easiness and playfulness from the little girl that I have grown to love about her in the last 11 years. I try not to focus on her moodiness right now and focus more on how I respond to her. She is still mine even when she is acting like Oscar the Grouch and she is still a slave of Allah with rights over me. Like the old adage goes: if you point one finger at someone else, three of your own fingers are always going to be pointing back at you. As hard as it can be to admit it, Juwayriyah is partly a reflection of me. If I want to battle her and win, I have battle my own nafs and win over it first. As mothers of pre-teens and teens, we have to constantly find more ways to remain patient, more appreciative verbally with these developing young people. And lastly, be humble with them and ourselves. It wasn't too long ago that I myself was a teen and I remember how challenging it was for my Umm and Abu to have to deal with two teenage girls at once. And indeed Allah is quick to call people into account (Surah Ali Imran:19)

One thing I can say is that as she grows, it is such a blessing to be able to talk with her about Islam and share with her acts of ibadah that have real meaning and struggle for her. I'm not always sure that  she is fully cognizant of the  importance of ibadah at12. But what I have learned from my own life growing up as a Muslimah in the West is that, just like a flower, our deen grows with dua, love, patience and persistence. Islam is a process that we must journey on, through big and small trials and big and small victories, until we take our last breath, enshallah. So she is where she is and Alhamduleelah, it is wonderful to be able to share whatever I can with her.

Work wasn't as challenging, but something is always changing there. With Thanksgiving around the way, I had to start a history unit on Native Americans and curate some videos that actually gave an authentic account of details of the 1600s with my pre-GED students. I also had to turn in some grades, test some of my students who won't be coming back after the break, and make some tweaks to my monthly lesson plan due to a couple of students just not progressing as I would've liked them to. Revision is necessary and so is that thing called patience, once again. Though, I totally hate that public education has become so test centered. However, assessment is always necessary and it does let me know how I need to differentiate what I am doing in the classroom.

Enter my darkness with caution:

So in the midst of everything else this week my two youngest had doctor appointments (and next week too). Honestly,  I totally dislike (read:hate)  taking them to their well check visits. I know their pediatrician senses that because she is always extra nice, mashallah. But some of the required stuff she wastes her time (and mine as well) running down, I am not interested in. My two youngest children are un-vaccinated and so really that well-child visit should only last about 15 minutes, but it doesn't. She drags it out for more  than 40 minutes and then spends the very lasts minutes trying to squeeze in her same lame attempts to "enlighten" me about some new research on vaccinations. I know it's her job, and wallah, I am very cordial, but after five years, it's enough! It just irks my nerves. It especially irks my nerves when  it's accompanied by fake sympathy: "I understand you're worried about your daughter's health." Do you really? Every time a doctor says that to me, I cringe. Unless you have a child with epilepsy, global delays, and Autism: you have no idea the massive extent of my worries, problems, sleeplessness, anger, pain, and confusion. And since I have the ability to do my own research and more importantly speak with other parents raising children like my own, it's best not to be patronizing.

There's a thin line between Love & Hate

Getting my youngest daughter to cooperate at doctor visits is another reason why I prefer for the visits to be short. It's like she knows her pediatrician, but she doesn't really know her that well. We spend a lot more time in her neurologist and psychologist's offices. Some times she acts completely shot out. This time she had tantrums that included falling on the ground, refusing to be examined with any weird looking medical instruments, bolting out of the room, and aggressive behaviors like pinching and screaming when the nurses attempted to redirect her behavior all the while I tried to intervene with a one year tied to my hip. It was physically tasking, emotionally draining, and I hated every second of it.

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (Surah al Baqarah: 216)

Yeah, so it was just one of those weeks where I experienced  love and it was sweet, memorable, and inspiring. And also I encountered that emotional monster called hate. And it was sobering, troublesome, and memorable as well. Often times we as women get so busy doing something/everything for everybody else, that we forget to feel something/ anything for ourselves. We lock down our emotions out of fear of the reality: our world is not static. Love is a great feeling, but hate is just  as powerful an emotion and in order to truly be appreciative of one or the other, you have to experience them both.

 Point #1 Don't deny your feelings,( they'll overpower you sooner or later) 
Point #2 Be honest and open at least with yourself  (even better to find others to share your days with)
Point#3  Perfection was not decreed for us, so don't be hard on yourself or feel guilty when you have bad days
Point #4 Relish your good days, remember them and the Most Merciful's mercy in granting them to you


All right so here are 4 of my Simple Common Sense  (SCS) tips for this week:


#1 It's a thin line between love and hate, so be among the patient: As Muslim mothers, wives, sisters - women in general, a lot of the very people that provide us with our greatest loves can also be the root cause of us experiencing heartache, pain, and hate. That shouldn't prevent us from keeping our duty to Allah or them. So give your best, have patience, and know that Allah's promises are true:

إنما يوفى الصابرون أجرهم بغير حساب

“…Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.” [az-Zumar 39:10].

Sulayman ibn Qasim said that:

The reward of every deed is known, except for the reward for patience, which will be like the heavy rain. 

#2 Give yourself a break (Your body has a right over you):  No matter how great of a wife, mother, student, friend etc. that you assume you are, everyone needs a break! The more you push your body to perform for others, through the good and bad days, the more essential it is for you to take time outs. Take 30 minutes a week or if you have reliable support, a whole day to yourself. Go for a walk, go to a coffee shop and sip on well made cup of java that you didn't have to make, go to Targets or the mall if that is your thing, or get a hand or foot massage - alone. Whatever it is that you enjoy and that makes you feel relaxed, do it and learn (again) to hear your own thoughts.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately. . .Always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course, whereby you will reach your target (of paradise)." - Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 8, Hadith 470 

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once asked a companion: "(Is it true) that you fast all day and stand in prayer all night?" The companion replied that the report was indeed true. The Prophet then said: "Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave (it) at other times. Stand up for prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you, your eyes have a right over you and your wife has a right over you." - Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 7, Hadith 127 

#3 Ask for help regularly: If you thought you could do it all, know today that you can't. Hit the delete button and remove that heavily polluted thought out of your mind. Whether you are dealing with a child with special needs or not, life simply requires support. And if we are truly honest with ourselves, it is only arrogance that makes us feel "some kind of way" about seeking help from others. But in reality when we as women lack support and help, this is what can make our bad days turn into ugly days real quick. 

"The servants of the Merciful are those who walk on the earth in humility." (25:63)

Another good that about asking for help from others is that it will strengthen the bonds of sisterhood between us. We may not know that our sisters are experiencing hardships, but when they tell us, don't turn away from the ni'mah that Allah is placing in front of you. 

Narrated 'Abdullah bin Umar: Allah's Apostle said, "A Muslim is a brother of another Muslim, so he should not oppress him, nor should he hand him over to an oppressor. Whoever fulfilled the needs of his brother, Allah will fulfill his needs; whoever brought his (Muslim) brother out of a discomfort, Allah will bring him out of the discomforts of the Day of Resurrection, and whoever screened a Muslim, Allah will screen him on the Day of Resurrection. "  (Bukhari)

#4 And this too shall pass (So remember Allah): Trials are from Allah, so we can't escape them. But we can choose how we deal with it. The better you get on handling issues, the easier it will become to navigate your way out from it.  

"For indeed, with hardship (will be) ease. Indeed, with hardship ( will be) ease. Surah ash Sharh: 5-6

 And the Prophet (saaws) said: “How wonderful is the case of the believer; there is good in everything and this is not the case with anyone except a believer. If good attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him he endures it patiently and that is better for him” [ Narrated by Abu Yahya Suhaib ibn Sinan and recorded in Sahih Muslim]

Moving Past Adversities: # 3 Throwing Shade - Why do we do it?

Moving Past Adversities: # 3 Throwing Shade - Why do we do it?

FADE IN:

EXT. ANY URBAN ISLAMIC CENTER IN AMERICA/ PARKING LOT - DAY

 It's Friday and salatul Jumu'ah just ended and Muslims are rushing out of the Islamic Center. Rahma Smith is 25, short and plush African American woman and a revert to Islam. She is married with children. She's dressed in her Jumu'ah best: a shiny black jilbab, black waist length circular hijab, and black loafers. She's carrying a diaper bag and pushing a stroller as she and her five children are marching down the parking lot, weaving in and out of the traffic trying to get to her van. She spots her sista-friend, Ayah Abdur Razaq.

Ayah Abdur Razaq is 28, tall and stocky African American woman. She is a third generation African American Muslima and married with one baby girl. She's wearing work attire: a full length black skirt and a beige and black knee length tunic top with a Black wool blazer and matching hijab with  studded heels. As she is loading her daughter into her car seat, she spots her sista-friend, Rahma as her children run every which a way. The two women shake hands and embrace.

RAHMA

Aye, as salamu alykum! Where you been, woman? I didn't even

see you in the musallah. 

AYAH

Wa alykum as salam, girl! You know, I get in there, get those rakat in and get on out of there. Ain't nobody got time to be stuck in this parking lot for ten hours with these Muslims that can't back up. And it's been a long week and I'm just too tired. But you looking real good, Rocky. How's all my babies doing?

RAHMA

Alhamduleelah, everybody's good, sis. (She turns around quickly and yells) Abdul-Aleeeeeem! Go get your sisters. Keep their tails away from those streets.  
Yeah, so any way, you starting to look more and more like a real business woman, mashallah. You couldn't find a jilbab in your closet to throw on for Jumu'ah? And where you coming from anyway and why didn't you come out last night my dinner?

AYAH

It's called work wear and I am fully covered, Miss Homebody! Not everybody got the patience to be up in the house with ten, eleven kids all day. I rather be out working, but this week was too crazy. I totally forgot about your dinner, sweety. Imma get my better half, Nooreddine to make you a Red Velvet cake this weekend, enshallah. 'Cause I am done. I was at work til seven last night and then got up and went in for eight this morning. Then I had to run to pick up Batool from my Umm and get over to the meat store 'fore they closed for jumu'ah. And now I gotta try to get home enshallah and cook this stuff up for my Norredine, but I'll probably clunk out on the couch with the baby before I reach the kitchen, (she laughs). 

RAHMA

(laughing)

 Wow, Yah, you you go too much going on. And that's why I am a homebody! Ain't nobody got time to be a super woman.  I don't know why you working yourself to death anyway. That husband of yours takes good care of you and Tu-Tu and it ain't but the three of you anyway. Shoot, you bet not fall asleep before you cook for that brother. I swear you working sisters be slacking on your duties too much for my blood.

AYAH

Ain't nobody slacking over here, Rocky. I do just a little of everything for everybody that has rights over me (laughs). 'Sides you know my Nooreddine's a better cook anyway. He likes cooking for me and Tu-Tu. 

RAHMA

That's what he saying now, wait til you meet your co-wife (laughs).

AYAH

Ooh, you a Astaghfirullah, Rocky (laughs). Don't be trying to put the ayn on me.

RAHMA

 I'm just saying, sis! If you don't do it, somebody else will. Besides, I couldn't imagine my zawj up in my kitchen. All he do is make a mess every time he steps in there. Plus, I'm the better cook. I love cooking, cleaning and taking care everybody, full time. That's what I'm there for. 

AYAH

Alhamduleelah, you are the Muslima Martha Stewart of this center, Rocky. Just make sure you ain't the slaving all day, every day. You need some down times with all those kids. I think ...I think Abdul Aleem is chasing Amal and Adilah across the street.

RAHMA

Girl, ooh, they gon' drive me crazy sooner or later (laughs). All

right, enshallah, let me go round my kids up. Call me, Yah! You gotta come over some time and let Batool kick it with Asmah. They'll have a ball with all the other kids.

AYAH

(she extends her hand to Rahma and they shake hands)

Cool, enshallah, I'll call you like on Sunday when the cake is done. As salamu alykum!

Rahma

Wa alykum as salam wa rahmatullah

FADE TO BLACK.

Questions

1. What do you think of  Rahma and Ayah?

2. What are some problems with their conversation?

3. Which sister threw shade and how?

4. What are some ways that their conversation could be improved?

5. What naseehah (advice) would you give to each sister?

6. Why do you think the conversation became so negative?

7. How could one or both sisters corrected it and pulled the conversation back on track?

8. Do you think Rahma and Ayah were aware of the negative comments?

9. Should friends be able to make negative comments to each other?

10. Which sister was more likable and why?

Moving Past Adversities: #2 Mean Muslim Girls (and women)

 I receive a lot letters from readers of every age about the depth of sisterhood depicted among the characters in Covered Pearls crew in my novel, The Size of a Mustard Seed. Alhamduleelah, it seems that Jameelah and her friends left a really good impression on readers around the world and that many of you were inspired by the closeness that the sisters demonstrated in the book. But, I've said it a thousands now that the CPs were 100% fictional. However, Alhamduleelah, I was blessed to grow up in a Muslim community with some really good friends. I know how great a ni'mah from Allah it is to have good companions around you. I also know how severe of a test it is from Allah to not have them as well.

And what really has intrigued me is how many young sisters have confided in me that they don't have good, nice, and loyal companions in their communities. In fact, many of you have told me that there is just too much harshness, judgments, backbiting , and meanness within our sisterhood.

 So let me me say this from the jump: I think ill behavior is a sin that most of us have fallen into at one time or another in our lives. We're human, we're females and we have bad days, or seasons even when we are just in a real ugly funk and it permeates everything we touch. Daughters snap at mothers, mothers bark at their children (and husbands, too!) We roll eyes, we don't give our undivided attention to those talking to us, we fail to return phones calls or emails, we forget to invite sisters to functions, we look folk up and down when they walk by without giving the salams (here's where the real funkiness comes in), we call sisters by derogatory names, we tell their business to others (other sisters and our husbands too) without permission, we make snap judgments about their level of deen or intellect (or lack thereof) based on something  superficial like their clothing or their family, or finances and all of it is mean, ugly, low, and unbecoming of sisters.

No matter your reason and I know many can give a million reasons to validate and explain the circumstances in which you behaved in this manner. It's not important though. Once you have hurt another person, especially your own sister in faith with your ill behavior, you have already spoiled your actions - in that situation.

In the Qur'an, Allah says (what means) "It is part of the Mercy of Allah that thou dost deal gently with them.  Were thou severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: so pass over (their faults), and ask for (Allah's) forgiveness for them; and consult them in affairs (of moment). Then, when thou hast taken a decision, put thy trust in Allah. For Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).  (The Noble Quran, 3:159)"

When we behave harsh, ill, mean, arrogantly with our sisters, they will turn away from us, rightfully so. But truthfully, no one who believes in Allah and the last day should want to turn our sisters away from us or worst, this beautiful, merciful, blessed way of life called Al Islam. We want our sisters and indeed, all of humanity to see us and the good that Allah has blessed us with and want to BE with us as Muslims.





Point #1: Being mean hurts you
Point #2: Being mean it hurts others as well.
Point #3: Being mean can be accomplished in many ways (check your intentions before you speak or act)
Point #4: Being mean and harming people is not from Islam

So how can we move past this adversity? Before I share with you my S.C.S (Simple Common Sense) tips, let's take a moment to reflect on the what our beloved Prophet Muhammad  (sallallahu alyhi wa sallam) has said about this issue:

A'isha reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Allah is kind and loves kindness and gives for gentleness what he does not give for harshness nor for anything else." [Muslim]

 Anas reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Make things easy for people and do not make them difficult. Give good news to people and do not frighten them away." [Agreed upon]

 Jarir ibn 'Abdullah said, "I heard the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, 'Whoever is deprived of kindness is deprived of all good.'" [Muslim]

 Now, this issue has two sides, right? There are those who might be on the receiving end of M.M.Gs (mean Muslim girls) and of course we have the M.M.Gs all together. But there are commonalities between both groups. Did it ever occur to you that the M.M.Gs could have once been on the receiving end or in a situation in their life where Allah prevented them from having any friends or where they were mistreats by Muslim women in their communities? Every experience teaches us something important or some conditioning that we pack for our next destination/interaction.  If we don't learn to process our experiences of hurt, depression, pain and anger appropriately, sooner or later those emotions will find a way out and wreck havoc in our lives or the live of those we interact with! So let's jump into the S.C.S's:

#1 Work on being a sister to every sister you meet. Allah, in His speech that many of us know, has instructed us (with what means): “The believers, men and women, are Awliyaa’ (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another; they enjoin (on the people) Al‑Ma‘roof (i.e. Islamic Monotheism and all that Islam orders one to do), and forbid (people) from Al‑Munkar (i.e. polytheism and disbelief of all kinds, and all that Islam has forbidden); they perform As-Salaah (Iqaamat-as-Salaah), and give the Zakaah, and obey Allaah and His Messenger. Allaah will have His Mercy on them. Surely, Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise”
[al-Tawbah 9:71]

Be a sister! Give the salams and truly mean every part of that dua! Smile, shake hands and give the same amount of positive energy that you want to receive in return. Stop judging every comment on social media personally! Stop arguing with everyone about everything. Learn to share your ideas peacefully and how to listen to others point of views that you don't agree without getting sour! It's okay for your friends to differ with you! It' okay not to see to eye with everyone all the time. Be a sister! Make/find an excuse to lightent the conversation and make someone smile or laugh! Allah promises that He will have mercy on us, Alhamduleelah, so do your part to make sure that you receive it by behaving in the manners with the people that Allah loves.

#2 Be honest! If today or this whole week is not what's good with you, let sisters know upfront in a lighthearted way! "Sis, I'm running low on energy today, but I wanted to drop into your event to support you/ drop off this dish/ sit and listen to the class/see the people/ give a donation - or I can't make it this time, I'm not feeling up to being out with company at this time."  Whatever you're feeling: be specific and don't let your sisters think that your issue is with them. No mean mugging or rolling eyes or being inattentive to your sisters. If you feel that bad, stay home and send them a text, email or give a phone call at a later time. If you are moody, but not empty, go see your sisters and snatch up those blessings. 

#3 Don't block your blessings! If you have a clique/bffs/posse/homies/sissy poos - that's all good!  That's a wonderful ni'mah from Allah if you have been blessed with good friends. Make dua for them and treasure them, but know that Allah is Ar Razzaq! If He gave you two, He can give three, four or 20. Don't close yourself off to meeting and getting to know other sisters in your community because you don't know what Allah has out there for you. Some sister in another country could be destined to become your greatest ally, but you won't know it or receive that, if you are so caught up in the exclusivity of your small circle of friends and your own close-minded views.  Furthermore, diversity is beautiful. Connecting to sisters who have different skills, experiences and knowledge than you, builds you up and allows to fully appreciate Allah's bounties in your life. 

#4 Speak up and against M.M.G's behaviors! Iman is not only a statement on our tongues, it is a belief in our heart and an action with the limbs. The nabi sallallahu alyhi wa sallam said, "A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim. He neither oppresses him nor humiliates him nor looks down upon him. The piety is here, (and while saying so) he pointed towards his chest thrice. It is a serious evil for a Muslim that he should look down upon his brother Muslim. All things of a Muslim are inviolable for his brother in faith: his blood, his wealth and his honour.   (The book of Muslim, Book 32, Number 6219)"

We have to address negativity in positive ways in order to produce more positive energy to displace the negativity (you got that?). It's not all right to to turn up/get lit/or show out on your sisters (on Twitter, Facebook, a blog, or to other Muslims) whether they are M.M.Gs or not.  Know when to let it go and keep it moving. Don't argue, don't fall into any traps set up by Shaytan to misbehave. You're too grown for that!  The simple fact is that even in the face of adversity, dear sisters, we have to still hold fast to that which is better: love, patience, loyalty, prayer, and dua! Allah will provide for us, as long as we keep our duty to Him. 

Abu Hamzah Anas bin Malik, radiyallahu 'anhu, who was the servant of the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam, reported that the Prophet, sallallahu 'alayhi wasallam, said:

"None of you truly believes (in Allah and in His religion) until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself"

[Al-Bukhari & Muslim]

So yes, speak up against M.M.G's behaviors in your masjid newsletter article, by inviting those sisters to your home for tea or ice cream, creating  volunteer opportunities for you all to participate in,  a skating party, a picnic, or whatever! You can even speak to them individually and privately about how the behavior you witnessed made you feel. Ask them if they want to talk about the situation and see if you all can figure out a solution. If they don't want to talk about the issue, that's okay too! Let them know that you care for them and that you are there for them when ever they are ready to talk. And then go to number #5

#5 Keep them in prayer! You know that saying often attributed to Maya Angelou that: When people know better, they'll do better! Why it's not entirely true. Just because people have been exposed to better: knowledge, behavior, or actions - doesn't mean they will choose to implement it in their lives. That's their decision and you gotta respect and leave them in that. Alhamduleelah, Allah is Kind and He is Able to grant our prayers so use your prayers to pray for others often as you! Pray for the good to be put in our communities, in our sisterhood, in our brotherhood, in our families, in our friendships and in our enemies, too! And try to make dua at the best of times for sisters by using their names. Be specific with your issues with them and ask Allah to remove the hardships and replace it with ease. 

 So here are my 5 Simple Common Sense Tips for moving pasting adversity when dealing with Mean Muslim Girls (and women). I know there are tons more, so feel free to share your tips with me in the comments.  Hopefully, I will get a chance to revisit this topic again. May Allah make us all better than we are and give us the best character! If you get a chance to try the tips out, please share your findings with me!

"..Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him before you. Get to know Allah in prosperity and He will know you in adversity. Know that what has passed you by was not going to befall you; and that what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and ease with hardship."