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Saturday, October 19, 2013

A Hard Lesson To Teach....

 You never want to see your child hurt. You know, there is that "Super Mom" complex that we mothers step into when ever we sense danger approaching our little ones. Kinda like the fight or flight instinct, it just kicks in and you react to the danger in order to protect your child. As the little ones grow up and into themselves, "Super Mom" goes through many transformations. Your learn (or force) yourself to pace your  instincts and let the not so little ones make mistakes, trouble, and even problems that you foresaw miles ahead. The idea is that children must learn to think, process, and make responsible decisions (age appropriately) on their own. You start off slow, easing back, then forward, back again, closer and tighter, and the dance continues until one day, enshallah, you know - you feel it inside of you that they are prepared, ready, and able to think, process, and make responsible decisions without (most of the times, Mamas never stop giving out advice!).

Today wasn't that day. Today, I was by my little (big) ones side the whole time, but allowed her to lead and follow through. It wasn't the best decision. In fact, I'd seen years ago, how this was going to play out, wallahu Yallim, she needed to make this (wrong) decision and I needed to be by her side while she made it. This wasn't an easy day for either of us. My stomach had knots and I had a light headache, slightly throbbing through out the whole day. But we prepared for this evening like it was going to happen. She invited some folks over - but, well, it wasn't the right set of people for her to invite over. "But Mama, I made them all bracelets and I went over to their house, too!" Mashallah, gift giving is great and it is something that we should do with others, but why did you give them those bracelets and go to their homes and sleep overs. I probed trying to rev up her thought process. "Because Mama, we're friends and that's what friends do."

It was simple and clear in her mind and I wished it could have been that simple, but it wasn't. There was history there, deep, dark, hiding the closet history. I seen this before. I knew what it looked like, what it smelled like. I myself am no stranger to being a stranger in a community I was born and raised in. The snickering, whispering, the exclusions, the holier than thou bullying wrapped up in something that many confused with some thing that is noble, loving and compassionate that we call advice, usually, wasn't. It was instead hauntingly eye rolled, lip puckered, and tucked neatly into the silent treatment aimed at an ill-prepared 12 year-old. She stared blankly during the interrogation among other little ones: "why do you wear so many colors? you're supposed to wear black, its in the Qur'an not to draw attention to yourselves, you don't want to cover your face?"- the whole mean girl or cut a girl down script sunnafied - I guess. Nonetheless, the outcomes are the same and the causes are too. We all know what it is about because it's a game that big girls play very well too and Queen Latifa even rapped about in the '90's, U.N.I.T.Y!

But before Latifa, Allah Azza wal Jal, Al Malik, spoke of it. He encouraged it. He demanded it. He honored it too. So much so that he mentioned it plenty of times through out the Qur'an for us to reflect on.

The believers are but brothers 
Surah Al Hujurat: 10

We forget. We do. I do and I know you do too some times. And we get caught in our own cliques, groups, posse, ace boon coons and all that jazz.  But here's the deal: It is isn't haram or bad to have special friends! In fact this is a great blessing from Allah to have good, close companionship. Friends that you can trust and depend on are a limited treasure. It's not the greatest blessing though because we are always racing against our own selves.  When we truly can dig that idea that Allah has placed us on this earth treat every single person that we meet with dignity, kindness, and respect, well that's when the ni'mah from Allah increases and we move from one from just being a good homey, sissy, or rode dog to a couple of select people to just being a grade A upright person to everyone for the sake of Allah alone. 

O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.

The party wasn't what she expected. It was a no show for those others. But you know the "Super Mom" kicked in and I had a plan waiting in the lurch for her. I had invited family (thank Allah from grandparents and extended family) and I made her favorites dishes: cabbage and baked chicken wings and desert was chocolate covered strawberries and you know,  it was what it was. Alhamduleelah, she was sad, but she also smiled. She learned a lesson too, I hope. Being upright and good, is not a color, a style, a club, or a trend. Being upright is just that....being a person who gives others their rights and treats people well for the sake of Allah alone.